Scare the Hell Out Of Me

We all have fears, but everybody would rather we talk about phobias. Sure, I guess it’s fun to hear people bond over how much clowns and spiders terrify them; I would definitely consider that a lighthearted conversation. And I think that might be why talking about our irrational fears happens more often than bringing up the ones that actually hit us where it hurts. You can run away from clowns and spiders all you want…but you can’t hide from the dark, deep-rooted thoughts you have every once in a while.

I have, in my opinion, a lot of phobias. Some of them include spiders, snakes, falling from high altitudes, and being surrounded by large groups of people. And although this shouldn’t come as much of a shocker, all of these fears are super popular. It’s normal to not want to be suffocated or falling to your death (or at least a couple broken bones).

And [surprise, surprise] it’s also normal to have the fear of being alone. It’s considered a legitimate fear, and tons of people suffer from just that.

It’s extremely hard for most people to mention their fear of being alone, although you wouldn’t think so. I don’t know if it’s because we, as humans, don’t feel comfortable enough to share these things with others (or just simply don’t want to appear fragile). I seriously do not understand why it is such a taboo thing to talk about our legitimate fears, so I am going to share some of the things that scare the hell out of me.

One thing that I have mentioned before a while ago was how the idea of not being able to have my own children scares me. Don’t get me wrong, I am most definitely not trying to be a mother any time soon, but there’s constantly this lingering thought that I won’t be able to have any children of my own. Both my mother’s and my father’s side of the family have a history of having a hard time getting pregnant. Some women have had miscarriages, and some even needed in vitro fertilization; so having an issue of my own in the future is highly possible. And knowing just that alone freaks me out.

This is honestly probably my greatest fear. If I were to go to the gynecologist one day, and I were told that my chances of ever having children were slim to none, it would take me years to deal with that. And if that were the case, I would see if I could use a surrogate, or even adopt, but until I know for sure, this possibility will haunt me. And the sad part is that I’m not even joking.

I’m also afraid of not being happy with my career choices. I feel like this one is pretty popular, but that doesn’t make the fear any less scary for me. I’ve watched both of my parents go into a job that they’ve stuck with solely because they wouldn’t know what else to do with themselves. Neither of them went to college, or had a dream job that they went for. My dad was in the service for a couple of years, but that was it. And my mom was a pregnant teenager. They did what they had to do to keep going, and they landed in the sand pit.

And I know plenty of others who did the same thing as my parents. Even I’m there, right now. I don’t want to be this way forever—or much longer at all, for that matter. I’m trying to go back to school and get a degree, so I could hopefully do something I enjoy doing. I hate coming home from work unhappy with what I’m doing with my life. And I hate that my parents wanted better for me, and that I’ve ended up here. I want better for myself, not only to make myself happy, but to give my parents something to be proud about, and for my future children to not have to watch the same thing that I did growing up. Watching my parents struggle financially hurts, but knowing that they aren’t even doing a job they like hurts just as much.

My other two fears are more future-oriented, but this last one I’m going to mention is a pretty hard pill to swallow because this is one that I’m trying to avoid even now.

I am completely terrified of falling in love. I know it’s supposed to be one of the most amazing things to happen to you, but hear me out. By falling in love, I mean that I’m afraid to lose myself in the relationship. I don’t want to turn into the kind of woman that I never wanted to be, the kind of woman that I’ve avoided to be for years. I see some of my friends, family members, and strangers alike do the same thing, and I don’t like it. I don’t like seeing both women and men give up parts of their life for someone they supposedly love.

Sidenote: I say supposedly because how am I supposed to know if they’re actually in love or just fear being alone?

I don’t want to stop doing things that I love to do. I don’t want to cut off friends or family for a guy to sleep next to. I don’t want to be the kind of woman who is clingy and worries about every little thing he says or does. I don’t want to be that person who sits around and waits for him to come home because I don’t think I have anything else better to do. I don’t want to be dependent; I want to be my own person who can just appreciate the company of someone else. I don’t want to be the kind of woman who says, “Oh, that’s a man’s job,” or hopes he knows how to change a tire because I don’t.

I don’t want to be that way, and I find so many women like that. They fall into that 1950’s stereotype, and I support anyone who enjoys their life like that, but I simply cannot accept that for myself. I want to be someone who can support myself, without a man’s help, and without the emotional dependency. Interdependency, I’m all for. But being helpless? I just can’t. I can’t be that kind of woman. And if I ever do fall in love, I hope it’s with a man who is supportive of that.

Prompt: List three legitimate fears you have, and talk about how each of them came to be.

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A twenty-two year old who lives through words and her Netflix account. She makes herself laugh more than others, and she claims that she is okay with that.

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