I Don’t Know Why I Do This: Confessions and Apologies

So I do this weird thing where I go through long phases of pushing people out. My patience and attention span become shorter than usual, and my desire to leave my bedroom basically disappears. And it’s not like a chase me kind of thing, but I do it. I need the time alone.

But I think that when I get into that groove, I like it so much, that I abuse the alone time. I stop answering calls and texts, I don’t ask anybody to hang out. I just go about my days at work like I have to, and then the minute I’m out of there, I go straight for my bed.

And an issue here is that I don’t know why I do it.

One day, I saw this post online, saying, “Loneliness is dangerous. It’s addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t want to deal with people.” That quote is verbatim; I don’t know who wrote it, so I apologize to whoever did. But it hit a chord with me, and stuck.  When I first read it, I thought it was spot on to how I felt about separating myself from everyone else. I liked it a lot. And I still like it a lot. But I know that it’s an issue of mine.

I know that it sounds morbid, a person enjoying so much time alone. It sounds pretty sad, actually.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Do you ever just feel like you need to be alone? I feel like I actually need it to keep myself sane. I’d much rather that than popping and releasing all my frustrations out on an actual person.

I’m sorry that I’m being so glum right now. I don’t mean to be dark, but I feel like I should feel comfortable to talk about those things on here. Maybe I’ll find someone who shares the same feelings as I do, and I won’t feel so alone on this.

Which by the way, it’s not like the people in my life have shut me out so much that I’ve just grown accustomed to being alone. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. I was that kind of kid who got pushed into social interaction. But, also, as a kid, I liked social interaction and getting attention. That all stopped sometime in my teenaged years. (Big surprise, there!)

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve grown up being everybody else’s Dr. Phil that something makes me think that I can help myself better than anyone else could.

I feel so all over the place.

These spirals don’t happen often, but once they start, they can last weeks—or sometimes even months. I don’t want anybody feeling like I’m singling them out, or pushing them out because of something they’ve said or done…but I don’t know how to explain myself and what I’m doing. It’s really just the way I am.

So, if you know me, and you’re reading this, this is my formal (and very public) apology. I might cancel plans, I may not answer your calls or texts. I’m not trying to be an asshole, I promise. I just need to work on myself right now. And the best way to do that is by being alone.

I’m sorry.

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A twenty-two year old who lives through words and her Netflix account. She makes herself laugh more than others, and she claims that she is okay with that.

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