I recently shared a quote with you guys a couple days ago, when my mind was in a dark place:
Loneliness is dangerous. It’s addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t want to deal with people. – Anonymous
And I think it’s true.
When you feel it at first, you want someone to take that feeling away. You want a friend, a parent, a sibling, literally anyone to understand. You want them to make you feel like you are loved, that you matter, and you are not alone. In the end, that’s all anybody wants, but you’re in this place in your life where you feel like nobody can help or relate to you.
Believe me, there are plenty of people out there that do. They feel what you feel. But because you’re in that place of, “I’m alone, I am on my own, and I have to deal with this,” you stop searching for the validation that you have people who love you and want to help you. You’re just too stubborn to ask.
For some of us, it’s the pride. For others, it’s the fear. But we all eventually stop looking for help.
And most of us don’t ask for it aloud when we do. It’s in the lashing out. It’s in the hiding out. It’s the way that we act when we’re not acting like ourselves.
It’s a girl cutting all her hair off. It’s a guy cutting his wrists. It’s the dark comments we say, half hoping that nobody hears us. But what we may or may not realize is that there’s also the tiniest bit of hope that someone does hear us. And it’s the hoping that the person that hears us is someone who will say something.
People who dive into their loneliness are essentially depressed. They want the help, but they don’t know how to ask for it, or who to ask. This is mostly because they are told to soldier on up and take it like a man, or are even laughed at and asked, what can possibly make you so depressed?
It isn’t always what’s going on around you. It’s also the stuff you think, and hear, and say, and consistently repeat in your head, that makes you into this person who doesn’t know how to handle these things that you would be able to normally. It makes you lie in bed for weeks on end, and sleep for days, and blur out everything around you.
It basically turns you into a ghost: unseen and unheard, just floating around.
And the crazy thing is that nobody sees what’s happening to you, until it’s gone too far.
And for a lot of people, they jump in and out of depression their entire lives. They go from being ghostlike for months on end, to being a normal, functioning human being, at just a drop of a hat. And as crazy as that sounds, this is among the reason why nobody sees or understands what’s going on.
I imagine loneliness to look like you’re walking through this blurry, blueish/grayish world, where everything sounds muted and flat. Whispers sound like hums, and screams sound like a microphone when it’s too close to a speaker. The only thing you can really hear are your own thoughts, and music—but only when it sounds like your thoughts are being sung to you. Everything else sounds like a whole bunch of nothing.
As for the smell of it, I bet loneliness smells a lot like rain. It smells light and fresh, but leaves everything heavy and damp; it doesn’t have much substance or life to it, like the smell of citrusy fruits would.
Loneliness looks scary at first, but those who are lonely, find solace in it. They find peace and quiet, away from people, and the world surrounding those in it. This is also why, I think, people stop desperately searching for the help they need. Because as much as they know it’s not the best for their well-being, they’d rather feel nothing than have to feel everything.
And I’m not saying that they feel nothing. They feel, all right. They just cut off as much as they can, so they don’t have to feel any more than they have to. They are in a fragile state, and taking on too much can really break them. And it’s easier to be hardened than broken.
I think that there is eventually a light at the end of the tunnel, but I believe that the tunnel is a long one. I think as long as you have the right kind of people in your life, you can find your way out of the dark. Out of that muted, blueish/grayish world called Loneliness.
Because as lonely as you feel, you are not alone. I can promise you that.
Prompt: Write about the sound, the color, and the smell of loneliness.