The last couple of weeks have been really hard on me. And if you’ve tried to contact me during that time, you would have known, because chances are that I did not answer your calls or texts.
I’m going to have some catching up and explaining to do.
As of right now, I feel okay, but I’m not sure if that’s going to change again in the next few days. I just know that I don’t feel so in the dark in this moment. And for that, I am grateful.
I should be in a good place. I am two payments away from getting my transcripts from Iona—which can only mean that I can soon start applying to schools again. That makes me so happy; I never wanted to leave school in the first place, so getting to finish what I started will be both satisfying and accomplishing. I have never needed to have so much patience in my life.
And my relationships with each of my parents are on the up again, which also is just really good for me. When I’m not in a good place with them—even just one of them—I feel uneasy. They are my parents, after all; so I should have felt okay this entire time. You know, besides the random moments in between that I’m allowed to not be okay.
But I wasn’t.
I wasn’t okay, and that alone is okay. I know it is. I just hate it when that unsettling feeling creeps into my brain and stays there for a while. It’s almost like when an unwelcome in-law comes over without notice: stressful, annoying, and tiring.
I still don’t understand what it is that makes me do the things I do, and that seriously frustrates me. I don’t want to shut people out of my life, but I have always been the one people go to when they need help, so I can’t deal with everyone else’s issues when I’ve got my own to think about.
And yes, I know how selfish that sounds—but sometimes, you have to be. My mental health is more important than helping you with your relationship problems.
You might be wondering why I say that I shut everyone off. Well, when I’m in The Bad Place, I like to be completely alone, and think things through. I don’t have complete control over my thoughts, but I do have control about how I deal with them, so I use that control to listen to myself. I like to figure out the reason behind the madness going on inside of me. I’ve been trying to connect the dots.
I have been avoiding people lately, only really staying around my immediate family. But last weekend was the first that I was able to see Amanda in over a month, so I couldn’t pass that up. She’s the only person I go to with my problems, so I was excited to see her.
Long story short, there was a lot of crying this weekend; it turned out that Amanda needed me as much as I needed her. She started grad school, and was already dealing with a lot, so she was under a lot of stress, and I’ve just been a mental case, so we were in an emotional slump for the twenty-four hours we were together. And then we made the mistake of watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (it was the first time seeing it for the both of us), and that made me cry even more.
Last weekend was really hard, but I feel relieved to have finally talked about some of my issues with someone. After Amanda left Sunday morning, I did a lot of thinking, and I just wanted to get out of this place I was stuck in. I wanted to come out of the dark so badly; I wanted nothing more than an enlightenment of my own.
The rest of Sunday felt like a new low. I liked talking to Amanda the night before, but sitting alone after talking it out with her made me realize things about myself that I hadn’t noticed before.
So Monday, I went to work, and I did what I had to. And yesterday, I did the same. But this morning felt different from the last month of my life.
I also slept better last night than I had in a while, and maybe that’s why, but I feel okay right now. A little lighter, a little brighter. A little more full of life. I can’t say that I feel like a rock star, but I almost feel like me again. So I’m going to wait it out, and hope that I improve for the rest of the week.
I want to get back to my life, and my friends, as soon as I can. Because as much as I didn’t want to bring anybody into the mess that is my head, I miss doing things with my friends. I miss doing things in general, but I think it’s about time that I make up for the time I’ve lost. I owe a lot of people my attention.