Today Has Been An Emotional Rollercoaster And I Haven’t Even Left Work Yet

I woke up too early this morning.

Do you know how much I hate waking up in the morning? It’s typically the pit of my day. (If you watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians, you’ll understand that reference.) I can’t lie; waking up too early does have its one little perk: you check the time, and then smile at the realization that you get more time to sleep. That was my morning today.

When I actually had to get up, Brianna was in the bathroom. This is literally the most annoying thing because I go into the bathroom every morning at exactly 7:50am to pee, brush my teeth, and wet down my hair. In that order, right after I let Lady and Luna out in the backyard. It’s routine; she wasn’t supposed to come downstairs until 8am. So I had to wait until 8:20am to start my day.

I’m a weirdo; I have to do the same things in order, because that’s the way I work. I can’t get dressed or put my lunch together before taking care of my bathroom routine. It throws my whole morning off.

Which Brianna already did.

But I guess it shouldn’t have been that much of an issue, since I technically don’t have to be ready until 9am, and I’m usually ready by 8:20am. And I like my mornings like that, because then I have time to go through emails and any notifications I received while I was sleeping. I get to read a little bit. I get time to myself before I have to get to work.

This morning was not like that.

While I was getting ready this morning, slowly getting over the irritation in my sister’s direction, something came over me. And I decided to put makeup on.

Mind you, I haven’t worn any makeup in months. All of my makeup has just been sitting around, collecting dust. I guess it was because I have generally been in a good mood in the last couple of days that I thought, “hey, why not?” and got to work. I just put on some eye primer, eye shadow, and mascara, but hey—stepping stones. I was slowly becoming myself again, so doing my make up (as little as it was) was a huge step for me. I felt a little more put-together than usual. I felt good.

And the rest of the morning was pretty good too, until I received a text.

This text was something that I should have seen coming, but I didn’t. I thought my closing off personal communication would have been understood, so long as my friends and family read my blog. Or at least spoke to anyone that did.

I was wrong.

Here’s some personal advice: don’t assume things. I was confronted by one of my best friends about not reaching out to them in the last few weeks, and I didn’t realize how hard it would hit me. Well, it hit me like a ton of bricks, because it sent me into a typing rage. I actually went into my notes app and typed, just so the friend couldn’t see that I was writing so much, and it turned into a huge mess. A huge, raging, cried-out mess. Right in the middle of my work day.

I was losing grip, and couldn’t handle myself. So I copied and pasted what I wrote into two messages to her, hit send, quickly hid away my phone in my desk, and sent myself to the bathroom to finish what I started. I couldn’t stop crying for ten minutes straight. This was the actual pit of my day.

Let me point out that it wasn’t the friend’s text that made me cry so hard. It was my own. It was me, finally saying some of what I should have said months ago, and feeling myself about to burst into a million pieces right at my desk. Dismissing myself into a stall made me feel a little more secure, so I let myself cry the rest out. Which was really ugly.

And to think, I just put mascara on for the first time in months. Just my luck. I hadn’t cried in a bathroom stall in a long time.

The friend was at work, so I didn’t really expect a reply. I did get something small from her, telling me that she was working. I’m still waiting on a real reply. I wonder if this is what I get for finally saying something at all, or for saying it a little too late. Either way, I really have no one to blame but myself.

When I finally put myself back together, I allowed myself to go back to my desk, and get right back to work. I wrote a little during my lunch break, as usual. And then there was an announcement over the intercom that ice cream was being served.

Not all was right in the world, not even close. But nothing can really perk up a sad, little girl like free ice cream. And they had mint chocolate chip, which is one of my favorites.

I was doing really well this week, but I feel like this mental breakdown pushed me a little back into the darkness. I don’t think I know how to handle myself anymore. I really hope my friend answers back. It would really break my heart if I lost her.

Here’s to a better tomorrow.

Love Always,

Amanda

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