If you’re a fellow viewer of the reality show Keeping Up With The Kardashians, you would understand the phrase the Pit and the Peak. Whenever the family gets together as a family for dinner, they go around the table, and everybody each gets a chance to talk about the lowest and highest points of their day, week, year, etc.
I think it’s actually kind of nice that they do that. Every once in a while, I try to do something similar at my dad’s house; I’d ask, “how was your day today?” And based on everybody’s answers, I’d ask, “what was the most (blank) part of your day?” It doesn’t usually go over too well, because at least two people at the table get annoyed by/ignore my questions.
But since this place is all for me, I don’t have someone to roll their eyes at me. (At least none that I can see.)
I figured that since it’s Thanksgiving, it’s a good day to talk about the Pit and the Peak of the past year of my life. To say the least, it’s been an interesting ride. I survived what I considered to be The Most Boring Year Of My Life, and rolled into 2017 with high hopes for my future.
And, by my standards, 2017 has been an okay year. A lot of really good things came out of it: I made it to Florida, Riley was born, I was maid of honor for my best friend’s wedding, I [finally] got to see Luke Bryan in concert, I got to see Waitress (with Sara Bareilles in it!), I got to go to my favorite diner in the world (Ellen’s Stardust Diner—my friend, Amanda, would say, “it’s amaze“), I finally went to Madame Tussauds, a bunch of my favorite artists released phenomenal music and books, I was surprised with tickets to [finally] see Ed Sheeran, and I finally learned to drive. This past year has been a real game changer for me, since not so many good things usually happen in my world.
But, sadly, I can’t say that it’s all been good. Cancer has struck a couple members of my family, my anxiety has become more active, relationships have been tested, I’ve never felt more broke since I got my job.
And then I went through my whole dark, moody, lonely phase. I didn’t know what the hell was going on with me, but a part of me questioned more often than not if what I was going through was a depression. All the signs were there, but I’m not going to go ahead and call it that, because most self-diagnoses aren’t accurate whatsoever. I was probably just being a self-deprecating lunatic.
That was, clearly, the pit of my year. I hadn’t been in such a low place since I first came home from college, when I realized I wasn’t going back. I think a big part of it, this time around, came from knowing all of my friends were graduating college, and I was still stuck in this part of my life that I felt was inescapable. Everyone was moving on and up in the world, and I just wasn’t.
I seriously hated myself at first, and my panic attacks became more frequent. It was scary, and I didn’t know who I could talk to, and I didn’t like the way that I was feeling and thinking, and I shut a lot of people out. I really needed that time alone to process things, and get my act together.
I had to remind myself that my life still has so much ahead of it, and that I couldn’t keep worrying and focusing about being left behind. I had to stop being such a baby, and move on with my life. All I was doing, by crying and worrying and freaking out, was pushing myself further back. And I can’t do that anymore.
So I used my time alone to work on myself. I started my blog back up to see if I could pinpoint when this issue with myself started to arise, and why it did, and to talk through, well, everything. So much just flows in and out, through my mind, and I felt like writing would help me out with that. Maybe not get me completely back on track, but get me started. Find my voice, and remind myself of the things I love.
And, as cheesy as it sounds, I needed to remind myself that no love was more important than the love I needed to give myself.
So I think I’ve been doing pretty well on working on that. I don’t know if opening up for everyone was the best decision, but I couldn’t hide in the shadows forever. I’m not really up for trying to start over in that way. Hell no.
Despite the fact that so amazing things have happened this year, the Pit was something I really took focus on, until the last month or so. And I think if I continued to focus on it, I wouldn’t get much further. So, instead of wallowing in self-pity, I decided to finally turn the page, and began writing the next chapter of my life.
And as much as I would love to call that the Peak, I can’t. Because that wasn’t the best thing to happen to me this year; turning a new leaf was necessary. I’ve been a sad person for far too long. And I know that it’s not just going to go away overnight, but I’m allowing positive energy to take the reins right now.
I’ve got a life to look forward to.
Instead, my Peak this year was the making of my last payment to Iona. A huge weight has finally lifted off my shoulders, and now, I can get back to work. Once my transcripts come on in, you can bet your ass that I will be applying to schools again. Making that payment has allowed me to focus on Christmas instead of those annoying bills, and excitement for school and my future. And as much as I would love to think that I did this all on my own, I know that I haven’t.
So, after all that crying and fussing that I’ve done this year, I’ve come to my senses. I can see what I have right in front of me, and can show how grateful I truly am for everything that I have, and for all the support I’ve been given. Although I don’t usually think it, I am one lucky girl.
I hope you all have food on your tables, carry a heavy heart, and people who love you around. And when you’re sitting down, I hope you get just one moment to remember that this, what’s right in front of you, is what is most important. Here’s to all the Peaks that come our way.
Prompt: Write about the best and worst things that have happened this year.