So I’ve come into this year with a new(ish) outlook. My resolution was to be more positive, and everyone knows that things are easier said than done. That’s why resolutions are a thing, right? Because at the beginning of every year, you tell yourself “I’m going to do this one thing to better myself,” and then you spend the rest of the year working for it (or maybe not).
For me, being positive was always super hard. Things usually don’t work out in my favor, and it sucks, but I feel like my life is like that because I was so stuck in my own pessimistic train of thought.
Life sucked because I made it suck.
So, for the last month of my life, I’ve been working really hard to be positive. Things are the toughest at the beginning; I’d catch myself in those “come on, be hopeful” moments, because I often feel full of doubt. It’s easy to be doubtful when expectations are never met, when things don’t fall into place, or the way you want them to.
But I’ve learned that all of this is because of me. These issues aren’t mine to have; I am the issue. The darkness, the doubtfulness, the pessimism; it’s all me. I’ve been waiting in my own dark, little corner for something to grab me by the hand, and lead me into light and hope and positivity. And nothing was happening.
Nothing was happening because it was my job to bring myself into the light.
How did I not see that before? You tell me. Things just kind of fly right over my head, sometimes.
So, when the new year rolled in, I made the resolution to be more positive. Along with that came a sliver of doubt [that I can keep up with it], but for the most part, I’ve been good. It was really hard the first two weeks, but things are slowly getting easier. I’ve got a long life ahead of me, as far as I know, so I need to made the most of it…and not sit in the corner for the remainder of my days.
You know how some people have personal mantras? Like how some people actually stand in front of mirrors and give themselves affirmations to stay positive? I feel like I’ve kind of been doing that to stay afloat. I don’t necessarily do it in the mirror, but when I feel the doubt starting to creep in, I have to shake those thoughts out, and remind myself of the person I want to be.
This is your year. You got this. You have support. You have love. You’re alive. You have things to look forward to.
Just do the damn thing.
And so far, those affirmations have done a good job pushing me under a positive light. I’ve sat on the sidelines for the majority of my life, being the support system other people always seemed to need. But I can’t be a supporting character in my own life; I need to push myself forward.
Just like everyone else, I am the protagonist in my story; and in order to be that, I have to actually do things—and not just make comments off to the side, like I’m used to. I have things to say, stories to tell, and a life to live. I just have to get to it.
As you may know, I have yet to obtain a driver’s license…but hopefully that will be changing soon. I have a test coming up within the next couple of weeks, and that’s really exciting. And nerve wracking, but mostly exciting. I just want to get this thing done and over with, and hopefully get this damn license.
I will get this stupid license.
Also, after much pining, I finally bought tickets to see Lorde. I don’t really have any friends who listen to her music, but I somehow got my friend, Amanda, to agree to go to Jersey with me in April to see her perform. I’m basically counting down the days; our tickets should be coming in the mail any day now.
Besides those things, I’ve kind of been trying to grab life by its balls. I’ve been using this positive energy for the last two weeks to keep me moving at the gym, which is something I haven’t done in months. It feels really good to get back into that groove—although I have to say that my thighs hurt really badly, and that it’s painful to walk. I have to keep a constant reminder going off in my head that says, “no pain, no gain,” just so I don’t cry every time I walk up and down stairs.
But I’m staying positive, because this change is something that I’ve wanted for a long time, and my physical health is something that I’ve ignored for way too long. The way that I look at it is that with physical change comes mental and emotional change. The more I work towards a healthy life, the better I will feel about myself; the life that I want to lead will become the one that I live. I’ve learned that I don’t really get a second chance, so I have to make this change now: while I’m in this state of being, where change is not only what I crave, but is also crucial.
On another note, I am waiting on my transcripts from Iona, so that’s a thing. I only requested them a few days ago, so I’ve got a couple weeks before they come in. But until then, I will be waiting.
To also add onto the list, another thing that will be changing in the [very] near future is my job title. I was recently told [last week] that I am being moved into another department for Good Shepherd Hospice. As you may or may not know, I’m a temp; they weren’t planning on keeping me very long when I first started out here, working as a file clerk in HR. Two and a half years later, I’m leaving my job as a Health Home Aide Coordinator Assistant (long name, I know), and moving into the intake department…technically by force.
Catholic Health Services (mother to Good Shepherd Hospice and Catholic Home Care) bought out another company at the beginning of the year, so we’re bringing a bunch of new people into our office. This means that they need the room, and the temps are the first to get moved. Thankfully, I’m not losing out on a job; I’m just going somewhere else in the building.
Less than twenty feet away from my current desk.
And with this information, I took it into my own hands to ask for a status change. I mean, I’ve put two and a half years into this place; I should probably get some paid vacation time for it. (And I’m not going to lie: a pay raise, and the benefit of college reimbursement, looks really tempting, too.) I haven’t necessarily been given the okay yet, but my soon-to-be supervisors have already agreed to signing whatever’s needed in order to give me what I want. I’m looking forward to it.
So, as you can see, I’m trying to make moves. I’m actually doing things for once, and I think it’s because I’ve become so sick and tried of this boring, unwelcome life, that I was just existing in, waiting for something to come along. I welcomed this new year with open arms, and decided to not allow life to control me. Instead, I am doing what I can to control it.
Being in control of the reins is pretty damn awesome. I wish I had done it earlier, but I’ve got now to do it. I can get a hang of this whole positive vibes thing.